


No one expected them

by AssyEr



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Because of Reasons, Crack, Gen, Not Serious, brian has to pretend to be tortured, ivy needs to organize her library and makes it brians problem, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25949296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AssyEr/pseuds/AssyEr
Summary: Ivy and Brian are working in the library late, when suddenly they get late night visitors.They did not expect it.
Comments: 20
Kudos: 36
Collections: Writer's Month 2020





	No one expected them

**Author's Note:**

> written for writer's month, prompt being history.

It was a quiet night in the Aurora, if only for the fact that the most chaotic crew members were long since asleep. Jonny, Tim and Ashes had passed out (or died) after drinking and betting like their lives depended on it (and they technically had). Raph had kidnapped Marius for her experiments, but it was fine, as her lab had long since been soundproofed, and the Toy Soldier was doing whatever the hell the Toy Soldier did at night. No one asked, because no one wanted to know. The same could be said about Nastya.

Meanwhile, in the library, Brian was helping Ivy organize the history section, as she had acquired new specimens on the last planet they visited, and to be honest, she had long since been trying to get to it. Whether Brian had been on Nice Mode before she asked him for help was debatable, but the important thing was that he was now, as well as half buried under a ton of books.

“How can you have so many history books?” he asked, passing her a pile of already organized books for her to put in a bookshelves. “It’s not like people don’t burn them every thousand years or so”

Of the ones she had been handed, and after having made sure they were in the correct order, she got them on their rightful place, one at the time. “Well, I _am_ an archivist. It’s my job to make sure they stay safe somewhere”

Brian sighed, and grabbed a pen and paper. He had to take note of the name and details of every single tome, even the ones she had more than one. This sucked.

“It was very rude of you to just drag me here, I hope you know” he commented. Lying was wrong, after all.

“Oh, stop winning and hurry up with the ones you have there,” she chided. “We are pretty advanced, already on what, T?”

He looked up at her, incredulous at her. “More than half of them fall under the T! You must have thousands. Damn, how can you have so many? Where do they even fit?”

Ivy payed no mind, patiently taking another pile and sorting the ones there. “As I said before, I _am_ the archivist. What were you expecting?”

“To be on the bridge, to be honest.” He groaned at the title he had on his hand. “I wasn’t expecting you to have, like, 50 copies on the same theme. I wasn’t expecting to read fifty times…” he took the book he had on his hand, squinting his eyes to read the faded title. “…The Spanish Inquisition? I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition!”

_“NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”_

They both jumped and the book Brian had flew on the air as the door busted opened and trumpet noises sounded at full volume over the library’s speakers. Spinting into the room were three men, dressed with red robes and big gold crosses on their necks that looked awful in all of them. The one who had spoken, probably the leader, was the most ridiculous, with an enormous red boater hat, a stupid goatee and a moustache.

He crossed his arms, a smudge look on his face. “Our chief weapon is surprise… surprise and fear… fear and surprise…” he hurriedly corrected himself, a finger lifted towards them. “Our two weapons are fear and surprise… and ruthless efficiency…” He realized he had fucked up again, and spoke now faster to cover for it. “Our _three_ weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency…” He didn’t seem able to contain himself from adding “and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope… Our _four_ … no…”

Brian and Ivy noticed how nervous he was getting, speaking all over himself, but didn’t know the men enough to be sure whether they should interrupt or not. “ _Amongst_ our weapons…” Was he okay? Thought Brian. The archivist was just fascinated by the encounter. “Amongst our weaponry… are such elements as fear, surprise… I’ll come in again.”

And with that the three of them excited once more, the leader shoving the other two to the door.

The drumbot opened his mouth to ask Ivy if she had any idea what the hell that had been about, only to turn around and find her pointing her gun at him. It seemed that they would have to find out, apparently.

He took a breath, before repeating himself, loud and clear. “I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition!”

Trumpets sounded once more as they entered again. Was the Aurora involved on this?

Doing a dramatic jump, the leader started once more. “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Amongst o-our weaponry! Are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion for the Pope!” he counted each element on his fingers, but that didn’t made him stop. “…And nice red uniforms- oh damn it!”

“We can do it again,” Brian offered, feeling kind of bad for him.

The leader ignored him, turning instead to his partner who had an aviator hat? Why did he had that? “I can’t say it, you’ll have to say it” he whispered loudly to him.

He seemed to panic at that. “What?” he asked in a similar manner.

Stupid goatee tried to pretend everything was fine, smiling while talking. “You’ll have to say the bit about our chief weapons are…”

“I couldn’t do that!”

But he couldn’t care less about what he tough he could or couldn’t do, turning around and shoving everyone outside again.

The situation repeated, with Brian looking at the bad end of Ivy’s pistol. “Do I really have to do it again?” The question was, of course, metaphorical. Saying The Thing again was the nice thing to do, so Brian didn’t have any option.

She just motioned her gun at him, as if telling him to hurry up. “This had an almost 0% possibility of happening, and I’m now very intrigued about how the situation will unravel”

Brian sighed for the second time in the night. “I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition!” he said, with not as much energy as before.

To the surprise of no one, the trumpets came again as the trio irrupted again, this time with Aviator Hat in front.

“Um… Uh- Nobody… Um…” Oh god this was even worst.

The leader behind him chested him. “ _Expects_ ”

“…Expects… Um, nobody expects the… um… Spanish… um…” Brian pondered whether it would still be a bad thing to shoot him for mercy.

“Inquisition,” the man behind prompts.

“I know, I know” he tells him, before going back to the mechanisms in the room. “Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition, in fact! Those who do ex-.”

The leader corrected him abruptly. “ _Our chief weapons are_ ”

“Our chief weapons are…” he repeated a bit disappointed. “Um… are…” he was prompted from behind. “…surprise…”

“Okay, stop, stop, stop!” Leader jumped right back in front, apparently realizing that the moment was (finally) over. “Stop there, stop it stop!” Aviator Hat makes a noise of relief behind him. Brian and Ivy were also relieved. “Our chief weapons are surprise, blah blah blah blah.” Finally getting over it, he motions with his hand to the third part, the only one without a hat but still no less ridiculous for it.

“Cardinal! Read the charges,” he said, crossing his arms and looking at Brian with a devious look.

Taking a step towards them, he got out of his robe a comically ancient piece of paper, and after coughing a little, he started to read in a closed accent. “Ye’ are hereby charged that ye’ did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. ‘My old man said follow the-.”

“That’s enough!” the sigh in the room was audible, much to Ivy’s despair.

“Actually, I would like to get a copy about the accusations, and a-,” she was cut by the leader, talking over her to Brian.

“Now!” The only reason why he wasn’t shoot to pieces was because Ivy still needed to know how this would go, but he was on thin ice. “How do you plead?”

Brian didn’t let a heartbeat pass between the question and his answer. “Guilty,” he said truthfully.

“HA!” laughed the leader, but then stopped upon realizing what he had said. “Wait, what?”

The drumbot shrugged. “I mean, I don’t know with which holy church you are with, I’m guessing Christianity, but I know I have committed heresy for all of them at this point”

The all stared at him, astonished. That had never happened before, and had no idea of what to do now.

“I have no idea of what to do now,” the cardinal told the leader.

He didn’t say anything, just hushed him while he thought how to proceed now. They couldn’t just kill him, where was the fun on that? But then again, the Holy Church had never prepared them for this.

Brian noticed their faces, going from confusion to disappointed, and felt guilty. He wished he could flip his switch, if only to evade this uncomfortable situation.

Luckily for all of them, Ivy was there. “He literally cannot tell you he’s innocent, but you could pretend he did, if you want” she offered as a solution.

Goatee held to that as a safe line. “He pleads innocent! Ha, HA HA!” He started laughing in a cringe way.

The other joined him, and they all made their most fake laughs, being as loud as humanly possible. From a wall, a screen was turned on and read, in bold letters “DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER.” Ivy took note of that.

They stopped when the leader started moving his arms in frenetically motions. “We’ll soon change your mind about that!”

The sign now read “DIABOLICAL ACTING.” Of course it did.

“Fear, surprise, and a ruthless-,” he manages to control himself with a supreme effort, and by slapping himself on the face. “Oooooh! Now, Cardinal- the Rack!” he tells Aviator Hat, who had apparently managed at some point of his life to earn the title too.

Cardinal Aviator Hat gives a last diabolical laugh, before starting to look inside his robes for what he was asked for. In between all the cloth ruffling, his legs are uncovered, and Ivy gets, regrettably, to see that he’s only wearing red underwear. She clenches her fists. She can understand the ridiculous costumes if they had wanted to go for accuracy, but they should have known that trousers had already been invented by then. If they survived dying by her hands after this, she would give them a very thorough lecture about clothes customs on the 15th century.

He pays no mind to it, as he gets a plastic-coated, dish drying rack. He holds it out in a triumphant manner.

The leader looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger.

The third Spanish Inquisitor pays no mind to the exchange, instead looking at Brian with a hungry gaze.

Brian feels sorry for them, and promises himself that he would try to be the most uncooperative prisoner as he could on this setting, to make them happy. They seem to be in need of happy days.

Ivy takes more notes, and Brian can see her scribbling on the paper the words _ask Aurora to play despacito?_

“You… Right! Tie him down!” the leader orders the other two.

With maligns sounds, they go over to the drumbot, and start surrounding him with a rope, definitely _not_ tying him. Brian shifts uncomfortably, torn between telling them or just pretending it wasn’t a disaster. Judging by his expression, the one in charge was very aware of this.

Leaving pen and paper to the side for a moment, Ivy goes to them and gently pulls the ends from their hands, showing them how to really tie a person.

Brian sees this as an opportunity to do a bit of acting. They could do with a victory, after all. “Oh! You are tying me in a better way than before! Now, I have less ways of escaping! You have certainly grown as capturers!” he manages to say, evading lying.

From behind him, Ivy whispers trough gritted teeth. “Don’t force it too much” she tells him. Brian shuts his mouth.

“AHA!” both cardinals say when Ivy finishes.

Rolling his eyes, Leader walks towards them, and steps in front of the drumbot with his diabolical expression back (but even more forced by the situation). “Right! How do you plead?” he demands.

He can’t stop himself, no matter how much he wants to. “Guilty.”

Before Goatee could lose his composure, Ivy goes to Brian, holding a piece of cloth. “These should make the situation easier” she says, steeping on her toes to gag her friend. He looks thankful at her.

She steps back and lets the scene continue.

“Ha! Innocent!” the leader decides to play it. “Cardinal! Give the rack- oh dear… give the rack” he starts again, looking at the ceiling. “…a turn.”

Cardinal Aviator Hats drifts his eyes from the rack and the man in front of him. “I don’t-,” he tries.

Goatee gets into his space, talking directly at him through his teeth in front of his face. “I _know_ , I know you can’t, I didn’t want to say anything, I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.”

“I…”

He continues on, more to himself now. “It makes it all seem so stupid…”

Brian tries to say something true trough his gag, probably in an effort to cheer them up, but knowing him, Ivy is glad that he can’t make anything intelligible.

“Shall I…?”

“Oh go on, just pretend for God’s sake!” he almost screams at him, raising his arms in anger. Then he reassumes his role of Inquisitor and torturer as the man turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish rack. “HA! HA! HA!”

Ivy takes notes while the procedure continues, and at some point Raph appears without any of the red men noticing. She sits next to the other free mech, and compares notes and hypothesis on what was going on.

“Confess! Confess! Confess!” they all scream at Brian, who, at not having any choice, tries to do so, but his words are still muffled by whatever Ivy got into his mouth.

“CONFESS!” Goatee says in a particularly harsh tone.

“I do!” automatically says Aviator Hat.

“Not you!” The leader shout back to his compatriot. “You-!”

A bullet to the head interrupts the red men, as well as his companions. They all fell dead to the floor.

“You didn’t have to do that!” Raph complained to Ashes.

From the door, they just holsters their pistol back. “Well, they should have been quiet. There are people trying to sleep here, you know.” They approach the corpses, quickly loosing blood on the floor. They kick at one for good measure.

“Besides,” they continue. “The Toy Soldier asked me to. It doesn’t like religious bunch very much, it said.”

Ivy, tough disappointed, understands. She sighed, and grabbed one of the cardinals by the arms. “Its fine, I get it. Just, help me get these to Tim’s room so he can feed them to the octokittens later.”

They oblige, helping her with Goatee. Raphaella grabs the other one, saying that she would be keeping it for Science Purposes. Ashes answers that she can do whatever she wants as long as she keeps it away from TS.

Ivy never really learned how they got into the spaceship, as they were various solar systems away from anywhere populated, and it had been years since they last landed on a planet. There wasn’t either a ship or other medium of transport on their starship or around, and if Aurora knew anything, she refused to say it.

But judging by past experience and records on her books and the internet, they had been right on one thing. No one expected the Spanish Inquisition.

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing.
> 
> Thank you for reading this dumb thing! If you want to leave them, kudos and comments feel like the first time i watched The Spanish Inquisition sketch. It is awesome and you cant change my mind about it.


End file.
